Listen to your parents

DEAR ABBY,
For Halloween this year, I wanted to dress as a scandalous fish.  But my mom won’t let me go trick-or-treating with that costume unless I put a long-sleeve shirt underneath it because it’s “too cold.” This is going to ruin my whole look.  How do I please my mom, but also wear a revealing fish costume?? 
— THE NOT-SO-LITTLE-ANYMORE MERMAID

DEAR NOT-SO-LITTLE-ANYMORE MERMAID
Unfortunately, I don’t think I am going to give you the advice you want. If you’re  young enough to go trick-or-treating, you are too young to wear a costume that has the word “revealing” in its name. You are STILL a little mermaid, actually. My advice is to wait a few years and wear that costume to a party. Actually, scratch that — a revealing fish is a really weird costume. So do NOT wear it to a party… you will get laughed at. This year, try going trick-or-treating in something that will keep you warm and covered, while still making you look cute. Maybe a bear costume?
SINCERELY, ABBY

Do what is obvious

DEAR ABBY,
How do I disguise myself as a child so I can still go trick-or-treating without judgement from all the other adults? Why do the children get all the candy for free? We both know that as soon as those kids pass out from sugar comas, the parents are snooping through their  candy baskets and eating all the good stuff. I’m a broke college student. This just isn’t fair — all I want is a pumpkin-shaped Reese’s peanut butter cup for the low price of nothing. All I want is for no one to call the cops on me when I “scare” Karen’s kids. (Karen, I was just running up behind them and asking for some candy in exchange for a few bucks. Stop freaking out.)
–CONCERNED COLLEGE STUDENT

DEAR CONCERNED C OLLEGE STUDENT,
I think you are missing the obvious solution here. Dress up as a little kid for halloween. If your costume is convincing enough, there is no way anyone will be able to tell you’re in college. Problem solved — no cops, no Karen and plenty of free candy! Also, I totally agree with your declaration that kids don’t deserve  candy as much as students or even adults. I think if you pull this off, it could eventually become a nationwide thing. One day the discrimination could end and people of any age might be accepted as trick-or-treaters. Be safe and have fun treating yourself to a fun time. 
SINCERELY, ABBY

When in doubt, get a kitchen knife

DEAR ABBY,
 My neighbors have a really scary ghost outside their house. Every morning as I’m walking to school,  and I get too scared to walk by it. So instead I walk an extra mile to get around it. Every day I dread this long walk because I’m too scared to face this blow-up ghost. He has orange light-up eyes and a spooky smile and it’s just too frightening. How can I end this madness? 
— SCARED AND CONFUSED

DEAR SCARED AND CONFUSED,
I totally understand your problem — ghosts are terrifying. I would usually advocate against violence but I want you to get to school on time, so here’s my advice. Tonight, once you are sure your neighbors are all asleep, take the biggest knife you have in your kitchen and go across the street. Once you’re there, run  up to the ghost balloon and stab it. I know it might be scary but you’ll have to be brave. Once this ghost is popped there is no way they will be able to inflate it, thus your problem will be solved. If they happen to patch the hole, or get a new ghost, just keep stabbing it until they finally give up. Trust me, this plan is foolproof. 
SINCERELY, ABBY

Keep up the good work

DEAR ABBY,
For the past month, I have kept a real pumpkin in my car.  All I wanted was to be festive in the autumnal season. But it’s become rotten. Now there’s mold everywhere, and pumpkin mush everywhere, and I can’t even drive my car because of the intense smell. Will I ever get rid of this festive rot? Help me please. 
— FESTIVE DRIVER

DEAR FESTIVE DRIVER,
First of all,I would like to give you props for diving head-first into the Halloween season. That is quite the pickle you’ve found yourself in, but don’t be embarrassed. I’m sure you aren’t the first person who has accidentally left a squash to mold in their car. The solution is an easy one: just pull your car up to any spigot with a hose on it. The higher the water pressure, the better. Then simply spray down the inside of your car! I hope this helps. 
SINCERELY, ABBY
P.S. Walmart and The Dollar Store sell fake pumpkins to help people avoid this exact situation, so try one of those next time.

There’s no time like the present

DEAR ABBY,
Even though it is the Halloween season, I cannot keep myself from listening to Christmas music. I just love the Christmas season and I am too excited for it to come. Don’t get me wrong — I love Halloween — but Christmas is just the best.  And Sia’s Christmas album? I mean come on, how am I supposed to wait that long to have my ears blessed by the queen of Christmas herself? What do I do? 
— MERRY HALLOWEEN

DEAR MERRY HALLOWEEN,
You do you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with listening to Christmas music during October. I don’t care what anyone else says to you, I am right. Christmas music is festive and can help put you in a good mood any time of year.  Don’t let a single grinch steal that from you. And you are totally right — Sia’s Christmas album…exquisite!
SINCERELY, ABBY