Note: This article was part of the Bengal’s Purr April Fools satire series published April 1, 2020.
Lewiston High School has officially declared war on Clarkston High School. A board meeting of the war council made this decision March 23. The student body called a meeting in the auditorium in which Senior President Bismarck roused students for battle.
CHS and LHS have had a rivalry since ancient times. Recently tensions rose to a point of boiling over following the vandalism at CHS. Clarkston was insulted by an anonymous delinquent with various forms of LHS propaganda. Clarkston pointed an angry finger at the Idaho school, with the new revolutionary Chancellor Braittox saying, “My comrades and I will seek vengeance.”
Braittox took over after the overthrow of Caesar’s old republic last March. This made the annual Golden Throne basketball rivalry game all the more tense in January 2020. Basketball players were said to disappear after the event. Eyewitnesses reported a group of roosters, feathered in Clarkston colors of black and red, sitting in a van outside of the event, watching with binoculars.
After Golden Throne Braittox announced, “We have prisoners, and are willing to negotiate if there is an official apology from LHS.”
The leader of the Lewiston teachers’ senate, Devin Kringle, responded, “We don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Kringle sent this information to circulate in the student body war council. The first battle is said to take place at the blue bridge between downtown Lewiston and Clarkston. The states of Idaho and Washington are trying to calm the tensions, but they are withholding military intervention out of fear of the two high schools’ military superiority.
People are worried this conflict may start World War III, because of the high schools’ nuclear weaponry. Civilians have begun leaving Lewiston out of fear of being caught in the crossfire. Tammany High School in Lewiston is said to be allying with Clarkston. Pullman High School in Washington has been neutral ground for a while, but Moscow High in Idaho is seemingly aligning with LHS.
North Korea has also been considering joining Clarkston in a fight against LHS.
More updates to be found soon.
Adviser’s note: This satire piece was published April 1, 2020. For safety and clarity, the name of the “leader of the Lewiston teachers’ senate” was changed here on April 2, 2020. The name is now for a fictitious character rather than for an actual LHS administrator.