Checkmate, atheists: Signed copy of Bible uncovered

Picture of Bible. Photo by Declan CattrysseArchaeologists have closed the Sistine Chapel to the public due to the recent discovery of information from anonymous sources. A signed copy of the Bible has been found 10 feet underground in a cement sphere with a 9-foot circumference.
A local Roman atheist claimed he placed it there to “troll the Catholics,” however, studies show otherwise. The legibility of the signature on the Bible is poor, and the ink has been tested, dating back to 0 A.D. Further studies are yet to be released to the public. A spokesman for The Pope has admitted knowledge of this signed copy and the neglect to tell the public.
“I do not see the need to tell the common people of this pure treasure that was meant to be preserved,” the spokesman said to The Shallot, a local satirical newspaper.
He was later seen smuggling a bag of other artifacts out of the Sistine Chapel. The artifacts were from around the world, including the Holy Grail from Glastonbury, England. The Sistine Chapel has been severely damaged after digging up the book.
“Bob Ross would be disappointed that archaeologists destroyed his masterpiece,” said beloved film star, Shia LaBeouf.
Netflix, home of terrible remakes, is funding the chapel’s reconstruction.