Americans have heard of the magical land called “Canada” for centuries. This mythical country was said to be peaceful and have mysterious treats called “Tim-Bits.” But these are all lies; Americans should have known it was too good to be true.
Conspiracy theories suggesting the nonexistence of Canada began in December 2022, when the police questioned a supposed “Canadian” who was arrested for violence. This “Canadian,” whose name will remain anonymous (but it rhymes with “Lyon Beynolds”), was walking down the streets of New York when he suddenly punched a random stranger without cause. After hours of interrogation, the NYPD began to wonder whether Canada could be real if such a violent Canadian existed. Carl Smith, a homeless man on house arrest, was using the bathroom in the stall next to the police officers who were running the interrogation and he overheard the information.
Smith went to social media, spreading the conspiracy. Bryan Osling, an up-and-coming TikTok-er hoping for fame, offered himself as a sacrifice. After going through the terror of updating his passport photo, he got in his red 2013 Chrysler Town and Country and hit the road.
When he reached the border, Osling received many warnings from the border guard, but he couldn’t disappoint the viewers on his TikTok Live.
He cautiously drove past the border and, after five miles, finally let himself believe in the land. There was a road, trees and even wildlife. Osling took a deep breath of relief and, to his viewers, started to say, “I guess Canada is–” But before he could finish, the road ended, and he drove off a cliff, tumbling into the Arctic Ocean.
When the police were alerted of this information, they launched a full investigation and explored Canada. They discovered that though there was some land, 98% of the land described as “Canada” is just ocean water.
American President Biden met with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to ask when the lies began and how they lasted so long.
“Canadians wanted to create a perfect land,” Trudeau told Biden. “They thought somewhere it had to exist. When they realized it didn’t, they sought to create it.”
Trudeau described how the “Canadians” built the lie on a small 6,038-square foot island, where they made a movie set to fake their maple syrup, kindness and hockey skills.
“I have a message for all Americans,” Biden said at a recent press conference. “America will survive this. We must come together as a country to grieve over this news and accept that we will never again have decent maple syrup or hope for a perfect country. And I guess by comparison, America looks even better.”