SATIRE: First aid declared illegal in Idaho

Originally the law required parental consent to perform first aid treatment on minors. Parents were most upset that teachers were allowed to provide Band-aids to students.

“They’re too dangerous,” said passionate mother, Caren Smith, at a riot that took place in front of George Washington Elementary School in Lewiston. “I don’t need anyone else providing healthcare to my child.”

After further review and many complaints, lawmakers have scrapped parental consent forms and decided that first aid shouldn’t be performed under any circumstance.

This law is being enforced and taken seriously, especially after the student protests. Glenda Malpractice, a school nurse at Lewiston High School, has been sentenced to life in prison for handing a sophomore an ice pack after he plummeted down a flight of stairs on his way to his next class and twisted his ankle.

Witnesses say that when the SWAT team raided her office, they found a drawer full of highly illegal contraband like Tylenol, Ibuprofen, and worst of all, Band-aids.

When Malpractice was asked why she had these items, she responded with one word: “Justice.”

Many nurses are protesting the government’s attempt to shut down hospitals across Idaho, claiming that it is immoral to deprive people of healthcare. Others claim it is natural selection and it is best to let nature take its course.