SATIRE: Trick-or-Treaters Beware: Tampered Candy Poses A Great Threat to Children

Many people love the hallowed tradition of disguising children and parading them around to every door in the neighborhood on Halloween night, especially since it allows them to civilly rob their neighbors of sugar. However, one particular threat the tradition poses is placing children’s health in the hands of complete strangers. Tampered candy has been a concern for decades. According to educator-approved source Wikipedia, the first case of candy tampering was in 1959, when “a California dentist, William Shyne, gave candy-coated laxative pills to trick-or-treaters.”
In the past few years, however, the paranoia has increased. Parents have been particularly concerned about their neighbors drugging candy or hiding sharp objects in candy. Parents truly believed that trick-or-treating had reached the height of its danger. But they were mistaken.
Florida reporter, Doug Ulysses Irving, has provided parents with new fears about letting their children knock on strangers’ doors to take their candy. Parents now need to fear that their children will be handed candy with illegal Band-Aids.
Idaho was the first state in the United States to pass the “Don’t Say Band-Aid” Act in July. Since then, various states have passed similar acts. As of today, 47 states have made Band-Aids and other First-Aid illegal.
After Irving exposed the conspiracy of hiding Band-Aids in candy, he dissected the psychology behind it on his mental health podcast “SEE YA LATER ALLIGATOR.”
After taking a big swig of his sponsored energy drink, Diddy Juice, Irving coughed and said, “Psychology says that hurt people hurt people. If strangers feel the need to hide Band-Aids in candy to harm children, it’s probably because they were given too many Band-Aids as kids. Trauma is a cycle and it’s our job to end it!”
It’s crucial that parents know the risks before taking their kids trick-or-treating. The cable show SeriousNews recommends that parents go through their children’s candy before letting them gobble it up.
“This will also prevent the dangerous ‘sugar high,’ which many scientists consider a gateway drug to cocaine,” SeriousNews says.
Some parents don’t believe enough is being done to prevent the candy tampering. Caren Smith is known by many for leading the infamous George Washington Riot protesting Band-Aids at George Washington Elementary School. Two hours after Irvings posted his podcast warning parents about tampered candy, Smith posted a YouTube video titled “Breaking My Silence.”
“I can NOT believe that some psychopaths would go as far as to endanger our children with Band-Aids,” Smith complained. “It doesn’t matter how these people have been hurt in the past — nothing excuses this kind of behavior.”
Many parents are in agreement with Smith, which is why her nationwide trick-or-treating boycott has gained traction.
Parents must decide for themselves if they want to let their children continue the tradition and which precautions to take. Bengal’s Purr recommends that parents take the time to see what precautions their local police department is taking. The Band-Aid hotline is 555 and should be called if any minor has contact with a Band-Aid.