(Fake News) U.S. government solves balloon mystery


On Feb. 4, the U.S. military shot down and destroyed an unidentified aerial phenomenon, believed to have been created by China, off the coast of South Carolina. Although its intended purpose was at first unclear, after recovering the remains, the Pentagon was able to confirm the true origins of the object. Before the nature of the balloon is released, it has come to the attention of the U.S. government that some people still believe the “balloon” was a product of a Chinese surveillance campaign or even aliens. Disregard such notions. They are wrong.

There wasn’t anything strange about the balloon, and in fact, it was a complete and utter hoax. The original video of the balloon was found to be doctored. Its photographer was a paid actor, who, after agreeing to meet with the government, happened to win the Power-ball and declined to comment on the incident to the press.

Although several thousand people across the country witnessed the supposed balloon throughout its alleged journey across the continental United States, they were also all paid actors. Or maybe they just saw a cloud, or they saw the weather balloon that was shot down.

The recovered weather balloon was actually created by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as a side project for non-sinister purposes and does not pose a genuine threat and is also entirely fictional. Anyone who says, speaks, tells, states, questions, asks, considers, yells, shouts, screams, writes, draws, sketches, types, posts or tweets otherwise should be reported to local authorities at the earliest convenience.

If anyone witnesses UFO-related ideation among family or friends, please call (555) 555-5556. This includes the use of language such as “balloon,” “China,” “aliens,” “planes,” “cloud,” “sky,” or “air” or any other relevant terminology.

This message was brought to you by the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency.