April showers bring May downers: A sneak peek of spring from the moon


With the spring season comes dewy grass that will hopefully leave permanent grass stains on your jeans.

The floral freshness you might want will not arrive. In fact, the flowers will probably wait to bloom until you are far, far away (these distances could be as far as the North Pole, which is not always considered to be a safe environment).

This is a good time of year for picnics, but for an optimal experience, you should try to find actual friends, and you definitely need a better taste in music, at least if you want good picnic vibes (not even great).

It’s allergy season; your favorite, right? Last I heard, all the local apothecaries were sold out of Claritin, Flonase, Zyrtec and Benadryl.

Ditch those sweaters! (Not because it’s warming up, you really don’t pull them off.)

According to the moon, Cancers are most likely to be allergic to bees. Good luck! The spirits are not in your favor. (And for an honorable note, neither are the bees.)

The stars heard you wanted to throw a tea party, but after seeing into the future, they predict your tea will be warm, your biscuits will be dry and your flowers will start wilting.

Knowing your klutzy struggles, the mud is going to be your enemy for the foreseeable future.

To help soothe the stress you create, everyone else has resorted to corny DIY projects like making birdhouses or strange yard decorations.

Nature is singing! (To drown out your voice.)

Your new perfume does not smell like “Spring Sunshine” and instead smells like a “Sweltering Swamp.”

This season will bring an unwanted loss of creativity (not that you had much), but will probably be rewarding (for us).