Local rat populace gains sentience via microchips

Rat cult propaganda poster. Image by Karah Schmidt.
Rat cult propaganda poster. Image by Karah Schmidt.

Local Rats Gain Sentience Via Microchips

In early January 2024, Elon Musk, also known as “short king” on the social media app, TikTak, recently completed his project called “Neuratlink”. This project, which started in late December of 2023, was intended to give conscious animals sentience, using recently developed AI (Artificial Intelligence) technology. Musk intended to use microchips, which would be installed into the animals’ brains and would allow these animals to think and feel deeply, without requiring their brain to evolve naturally.
To test his recent invention, Musk searched far and wide for a town and species where he could install microchips to see if there were any negative effects across an entire species. After hearing about the rat migration from Spokane, Washington to Lewiston, Idaho, Musk decided to kill two rats with one microchip and decided Lewiston, Idaho would be the location of his testing.
On New Year’s Eve, while everyone was busy partying over the end of another chaotic year, Musk rented an old white van from a local church and drove around Lewiston, collecting each and every rat he could find. After collecting a van full of rats, he drove to his makeshift office, located in the old Shopko. There, Musk carefully installed his microchips into each rat’s brain. After he installed the very last microchip, he realized the fatal mistake he made.
Now that the rats had sentience and a way to communicate, their evil instincts were exposed. The rats worked together to tie Elon Musk up and set out to wreak havoc on the innocent town of Lewiston, Idaho…

At exactly 1:49 AM, on New Year’s Day, the local rats, tired after hours of roaming the streets and terrorizing pedestrians, decided to hold a meeting to decide their next course of action. The rats quickly elected a leader, Remy Spaghetti, who established a theocracy to create stability for the next generation of rats. This theocracy, based loosely on the Papal States, required human, but rat-like religious figures to determine the laws and systems in the Rat Cult (which you can find @rat_.cult on Instagram). For their first leader, the rats chose Jazymyn Smitty, who was already established as a religious leader, after gaining a Theology degree at Britnerf University.
Smitty worked with Remy Spaghetti and a close counsel of rats, called the Spaghetti’s Cupboard to create a constitution, titled “The Ratification of Rights,” (ROR) which was based on the American Constitution. Among many rights, the rats in the Rat Cult were given the right to free speech, the right to free urination, and the right to bare children. The ROR was ratified at 7:30 AM exactly.
After establishing a government that would last for ages, Smitty texted the governor of Idaho, Brad Little, requesting that the American Constitution respect the Rat Cult and their rights as a natural entity and religion/cult. After hours of waiting for a response, the rats grew anxious and wondered if they would ever be given rights. They were outraged that rats were not respected like humans and grew more and more furious.
The rats decided to hold a riot at Times Square, where they would announce to the public that the Rat Cult was fast and furious. After taking over Lewiston Airport, they kidnapped a pilot to take them to New York. After a brief stop at Newark, New Jersey, since the pilot found it difficult to understand the rats, the rats arrived in New York and started their riot. This proved to be unsuccessful, considering the New Yorkers were used to massive crowds of rats, and just assumed they were local rats who ate too much pizza. The rats returned back to their stolen airplane and told the pilot to fly them to Washington, DC. There, the rats stormed the capital, which received MUCH more attention, since there aren’t normally swarms of rats at the capital.
At the capital, the SWAT team obducted all the rats and placed them in a van, which was directed to go to the International and National Cellular Epicenter for Scientific Testing in Alabama. Inside the van, Remy Spaghetti gave a compelling speech, telling his fellow rats the importance of sticking together. “Our theocracy will not fall this way! We must ban together! We have to ensure no one will share our secrets. The Rat Cult will live on forever!”
Little did Spaghetti know that the driver of the van was actually Elon Musk, who broke free from where he was held hostage inside the old ShopCo. Instead of driving the rats to the research center, Musk drove to the edge of New York and looked wistfully at the coast. He watched the waves crash and pondered what to do. If he drove the rats to the research center, Neuratlink would never be successful. But if he didn’t, the rats would continue to create chaos. He also wondered what would happen to the rats if they made it to Alabama. Musk was starting to realize why he was forced to read Frankenstein in his freshman year of high school. He realized his teacher knew, even at that age, that Musk would create an invention that would grow too powerful for him to control, and would inevitably be his demise.
Unfortunately, Musk forgot the ending to Frankenstein, so he decided that he would just place a brick on the gas pedal and watch the van, holding all his hopes and failures (the rats) bump along into the ocean, where his mistakes would remain forever.

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