Note: This article was part of the Bengal’s Purr April Fools satire series published April 1, 2020.
After the long-awaited decision, the coronavirus has finally selected a candidate to endorse for the 2020 U.S. presidential election.
Many have looked to significant diseases in the past to support presidential hopefuls, and this year is no exception.
“After much thought and countless hours pondering the pros and cons of all the options, the choice emerged. Kim Jong Un was just the obvious choice,” the coronavirus said in an interview. “Although there were some other temptations, there is no more eligible person.”
Though the comments have become incendiary among social media sites, the virus is sticking with its choice.
“I know some wanted Trump, some Biden, and others rooting for lord Voldemort, but I went with my gut on this one,” the virus said. “At one point, Bernie crossed my mind because of the whole healthcare for all thing. It sounded nice, but really just didn’t compute when taking an analytical look at the cost. After that, my main focus was on someone with the character traits I wanted to be exemplified.
“Though all of the candidates had a bit of what I wanted, options, Kim just really knocked it out of the park. He has the vile abuse of his citizens and foreigners, the purge of his political opponents and their children, and his regal lifestyle contrasting the extreme poverty of his subjects. I mean, what more do you want, people? Compared to this guy, almost anyone’s a saint!”
The fact that Kim isn’t running for president in the United States doesn’t seem to be stopping the virus’ enthusiasm.
“Well, nobody’s perfect,” the coronavirus said in response, “and if he’s a little behind the ball on this one, that is quickly made up by his history. I don’t even care what his political positions are — whatever he wants! I just need more of his character in control.”
Reporters later asked the coronavirus about the current U.S. president. The virus responded that it might be willing to settle for him if Kim was off the table.
But what does the virus think about candidate Joe Biden?
“I just can’t get behind someone who seems so benevolent, whatever the case may be,” the virus said. “He seems just too much like your neighbor’s chill grandpa. Trump may be the same age, but he’s much more aggressive, and that’s something.”