Note: This article was part of the Bengal’s Purr April Fools satire series published April 1, 2020.
There seems to be a nationwide search for the coronavirus, and the CDC or WHO isn’t conducting it. Students across the United States are engaging in risky behavior, all in an attempt to contract the disease.
The Bagel’s Purr reports that hordes of students seem to be roaming the streets like zombies in quarantined areas, hoping to contract the coronavirus to avoid more school. Last month only 50% of students showed up on open school days because of this phenomenon.
“It’s totally worth it,” replied Jim Smith, LHS student. “I mean, the only drawback is the potential hospital bill. But our parents will just pay for it if it comes to that. And otherwise, why even go to school? Only boomers care about stuff like that.”
Though some question how wise such decisions are, many have criticized the dissenters.
“It’s their education, their choice,” said a vehement protester who argues that schools should shut down permanently, regardless of the coronavirus. “I don’t see the problem here. It just shows how terrible schools are that genius, innocent children are desperate to contract a disease that could kill them.”
The recent trend has also resulted in comments from celebrities now seemingly consumed in a new passion: liberating students.
“Why agiann did we even stert scoools?,” Dim Whit (a famous actor known for Rom Coms and Superhero movies) tweeted, “I jest dont get it.”
The Celebrety Association For No Schools released a petition with nearly 10 million signatures asking the U.S. government not only to stop education, but to ban it for anyone who wanted one.
“If school wasn’t forced for everyone, it shouldn’t be allowed for certain people. It would totally give them an unfair disadvantage,” Jessica Sparky told the Bagel’s Purr. “And besides, it hurts my feelings when teachers hand out homework or don’t make me pass. Totally messes with my self-care routine. Like, why even?”
Whatever the reader’s opinion, it is undeniable that the coronavirus has exposed a new front line for the rights of young people.