FAKE NEWS: Is she the Queen or a god?

Declan Cattrysse, Entertainment Editor|November 10, 2021

Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, passed away April 9 for undisclosed reasons. This tragic event brings to question the topic of his widow, Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.
As many may not know, the current Queen of the United Kingdom has dramatically surpassed the longest-reigning monarch in history, which was previously His Majesty, King Bhumibol Adulyadej of Thailand. After an uninterrupted reign of nearly 69 years as queen and a whopping 95 years on this earth, it raises the question: Will Queen Elizabeth ever die?
The answer, my friends, is no.
Queen Elizabeth II is, in fact, immortal. Therefore, she will never die, thus remaining the Queen of her country forever.
While this may sound far-fetched, I assure you it is, in fact, the truth. It should be common knowledge amongst the crowds that life expectancy has vastly increased over time. However, she will always stay that way, because as stated previously, she is immortal.
According to Worlddata.info, the average global lifespan for a healthy woman is 74.9 years. A study conducted by health institutions in the Netherlands included 7,000 men and women between the ages of 55 and 69 over three decades. Scientists observed these people until they turned 90 years old or died. By the end of the study, they found out that only about 34 percent of the women survived to reach 90. This study shows it is improbable for Queen Elizabeth to have reached 90 without any age-related illness.
In Greek mythology, the gods all appear young and beautiful with perfect hair and bodies, while Queen Elizabeth looks like a typical British senior. This is because she is trying to throw us off of her immortal scent. Her Majesty doesn’t want us to know that she is everlasting, so she gives the illusion of aging to make it appear that she’s getting older, just like us mortals. With this logic in mind, Queen Elizabeth will become the oldest human to ever live.
Do what you’d like with this newfound knowledge, but nobody informs the Queen. She cannot know that we’re on to her.