(FAKE NEWS) Breaking news: Germany blamed for WWIII

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Josh Tatko, Managing Editor

The Russian invasion of Ukraine began nearly two months ago, and so far, most people possess the stalwart belief that this war is the fault of Russia — simply because the nation recognized the independence of breakaway republics, invaded a sovereign nation, and directed attacks at the civilian population. But recently, a brave, patriotic, ambiguously fascist reporter has brought to light the true villain of this conflict: the Federal Republic of Germany.

This reporter is Trucker Charleston of Vulpes “News.” On his show, Trucker Charleston This Morning, which is usually devoted to discussion about large automobiles and dance moves, he has expressed clear support for Russia during these trying times. At first, many people criticized Charleston for commending the oligarchist dictator of an Eastern European petrostate, but his logic is sound; he promises.

For one, there is a neo-Nazi group in the Ukrainian military with about 900 members. Granted, more than 10,000 civilians have died in Mariupol alone, let alone the rest of the country and the soldiers on both sides, but that’s just the cost of war.
Charleston’s next point is perhaps his greatest, though. He argues that Russia might be doing a bad thing, but it’s not that bad. He says that the West is canceling Russia, and Vladimir Putin agrees. If a world leader agrees with something, that’s all the evidence needed to know that it’s right.

If that isn’t convincing enough, the true greatest point is yet to come. To quote Charleston himself, “Ukraine, schmookraine. I’d never even heard of it before March. We should actually be worried about the metric system.”

And this all relates to Germany in a very sinister way. A recently uncovered document known as the Treaty of Versailles states that Germany was at fault for World War I. Also, Nazism originated in Germany, and Putin’s incredibly sound reason for invading Ukraine is Nazism. Perhaps these are just coincidences, but this next piece of evidence is irrefutable. Germany’s current chancellor is named Olaf Scholz, Olaf is the name of a snowman in the Disney film Frozen. There is snow in Frozen, and Russia is famous for its snow and cold temperatures. Checkmate, atheists.

With all of this evidence staring humanity in the face, it is foolish to deny that this war and also everything bad in the world is the fault of Germany, and we should be levying sanctions at Germany instead of Russia.