FAKE NEWS: Teacher sends class on “healthy heart and soul skydiving field trip”

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Declan Cattrysse, Entertainment Editor

In a recent study a Micronesian scientist, James Jameson, found that engaging children in physically demanding activities — such as football, yoga and kickball — can be a fantastic way to help students stay engaged in tedious classroom activities.
Local biology teacher, Rhonda Rutherford, took this to a whole new level on Tuesday, Feb. 28, when she commandeered a school bus and took an unplanned field trip to Marty’s Skydiving Emporium.
“It just felt right,” Rutherford said to The Shallot in an interview. “My students were always falling asleep during my lectures on the life cycle of the Argentine ant for some reason. One day, I read this super-boring study by some small, micro guy and it told me to take my students on an excursion.”
On this excursion, several students sustained severe injuries, with one landing in the ICU, literally. He is now on life support and will probably never walk again. The mother of this student, who elected to remain nameless, has decided to take legal action.
“That vile woman is going to rot in jail for nearly killing my son,” the mother said. “I am going to sue her for more money than Jeff Bezos’ net worth.”
Late last night, police obtained a warrant for Rutherford’s arrest under the charges of child endangerment, attempted kidnapping, child abuse, and for paying for the trip with counterfeit money.
Currently awaiting her trial, Rutherford is locked up at Alcatraz. The tourist destination is closed for the time being, causing the public to rally against Rutherford. Tourists are protesting to speed up her sentencing so they can visit the decommissioned institute.