SATIRE: US Navy to Return to Wooden Ships and Other Old Methods

Photo made by Jerrick Edwardsen
Photo made by Jerrick Edwardsen

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin announced Monday morning that the United States Navy will switch back to wooden ships similar to those used during the Revolutionary War.

In a press conference following the announcement the Pentagon’s press secretary, John Kirby, defended the decision made by the Department of Defense, saying, “Our current estimate indicates that wooden ships offer a significant economic advantage over their metal counterparts. Through meticulous analysis and extensive research, we have found that wooden ships’ construction and maintenance costs are considerably lower than those associated with metal warships. While the U.S.S. Gerald R. Ford and other metal warships have undoubtedly contributed to the naval strength and security of our nation, the cost-effectiveness and sustainability of wooden ships cannot be overlooked.” Kirby also announced at the press conference that the Navy will also return to cannons, compasses and paper maps with a red letter X to mark the ship’s destination.

This recent decision has upset some Navy veterans, including Lieutenant Commander Michael Sullivan, who served in the U.S.S. Nimitz from 1976 to 1979, then, on the U.S.S. Constitution from 1979 to 1990, he told reporters, “ I think it is truly a disgrace to the American people; of course, this administration would make such a ridiculous choice!”

However, some Navy veterans support the move, one being Petty Officer First Class Olivia Bennett, who served in the U.S.S. Boise from 1992 to 2001. She told reporters, “It’s an amazing idea! The Navy was overspending anyway, so why not cut costs? We will need these ships to defend our country against the enemy, known commonly as the British, if they choose to invade!”

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